My Testimony

God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

Friends,

In Reflection to Revival, I spoke about how a book changed my life but, it’s so much deeper than that. God did that! I wanted my second post to be about breaking cycles, but that was hard to do when I still hadn’t even broken out of some of my own yet. It’s been very heavy on my heart lately though, to share what brought me to the point of writing about God. We all go through things and for so long I felt like I was alone, until I realized I wasn’t. I felt ashamed, in a way, of the things I’ve done and the things I’ve lived through, but if my story can help even just one person, then I’ve done my job.

Let’s get personal, shall we?

I was the “weird” kid who never really felt stable. I often felt out of place and a little misguided. I had a crazy childhood if I’m being honest with you. Trauma seemed to follow me. I was born to two teenagers who were very misguided themselves. They married briefly, then divorced when I was almost 2, so I was the monkey in the middle. Back and forth constantly between two different states, then came the court houses and the battle of the parents. I had an SA experience that jump started the whole fight, but neither parent knew who did it and I couldn’t tell. So of course, they blamed each other over “who let it happen”. In one corner we had the young mother trying to do her best to beat the odds, guided by a family who were struggling with addictions and their own bouts of chaos. In the other corner we had the young father, truly wanting the best but being led by a very narcissistic mother who always HAD to be the best, despite being quite the opposite. The first memorable years of my life I lived in my dad’s state being raised by my great-grandparents. Imagine a 4/5-year-old being raised by people in their 70s, pretty sure that’s why I’m such an old soul now, haha. Suddenly, my dad moved me to Atlanta with him and his girlfriend, Dad worked a lot so that left Step-Monster dearest plenty of time to abuse me mentally and physically. That lasted a while, until mom won the war.

At the age of 7, I moved to mom’s state, and I’ve been here ever since. She didn’t know about some of the abuse, but she knew I was broken. From a very young age I struggled with depression and anxiety and some more trauma sprinkled in throughout my teenage years. 10 years later I graduated high school. I was still the weird kid who felt out of place; I had harbored so much resentment and anger over the years and I just felt like a burden on everyone around me. The devil likes to lie to us like that. I moved out and quickly fell into a lifestyle that wasn’t meant for anyone. I was looking for something to fill the void I had in me. I used drugs and alcohol as a crutch to try to numb the things I was feeling. I was looking for love in the wrong places and each of those toxic relationships came with its own set of issues. At the age of 20 I had been abusing pills and smoking weed for about a year and a half, most of that time is a blur. What I do know is that all these things led me to sleeping in my vehicle for a few nights, then being trapped in a hotel room for months, all because my pride was too big to admit I needed help. I found out I was pregnant that year, by a man that was supposed to be my friend. Careful who you trust ladies. He was mean, controlling, abusive. I was scared. I had convinced myself during that time that I was worthless, and no one cared. NOT TRUE! I got out of there before my baby was born and went home. The problem was, I still had that same mentality of being worthless, a burden. Shortly after my baby came along, I relapsed on pills and started smoking weed again. Postpartum depression was no joke. Funny how that depression demon likes to really have a hold on us. I knew I needed to be better, I was a mother after all, so, I finally cleaned up my act. At least I thought I did. I got a good job, finally got my own home, and I even had a second child. Unfortunately, even then, my mind was still in the same place. Anxious, depressed, searching for the void to be filled. My youngest child’s father wasn’t a bad man, he just didn’t know how to be faithful or responsible, so we split. There I was, again, a 24-year-old single mother with a burdened, worthless mindset.

Around my 27th birthday I started to feel a pull, something in my heart telling me, “This ain’t it, kiddo”. I was in a new relationship that I thought I deserved. Again, another individual who was controlling, took no accountability, and saw me as an object. I had become the shell of the person I really am, without seeing it, I remember crying all the time, my anxiety was at an all-time high, and I was financially drained. All the things I would try to hide from everyone around me. Lying saying I was okay, smoking weed to numb the fact that I messed up…. again. Then, I saw the light in my kid’s eyes start to dim. That broke me. How do I fix this, what do I do? I had been in so many fights with my family over this relationship and again I was too prideful to admit I was wrong. I didn’t know who else to turn to. I wanted love, peace, joy, stability, and I wasn’t getting any of that the way I was living. I remember one night when I just couldn’t take it anymore, normally, in moments like that I would just break down, but this time, I called out for help. I didn’t make a phone call; I prayed that night for the first time in a very long time. I was high when I did it so I didn’t even know if God could really hear me. I’m far from perfect, why would he hear me anyways, right? Wrong!

I called out to God in the mighty name of Jesus and asked for help, guidance. I just asked him to fix me, to fix my life, because I knew for a fact that the way I was living sure as heck “wasn’t it, kiddo”. God heard me! That night, I prayed, while high, a little while later I passed out. Everything around me went dark, I got carried to the bed and I promise you I heard the words “You are mine.” From that point forward, I started to see how things were starting to turn around for me mentally, in my heart and mind I felt new. I felt like a warrior! I was still smoking though, but because of the words I heard while unconscious, I started to read the Bible more, I had read it some, I was familiar with the idea of Jesus, but I never had a relationship with Him. This time while I read, I prayed. “God, speak to me, show me who you are.” I started to think that maybe that night was a fluke or maybe I was just crazy. How could God hear me? I’m not a saint, but I still read, every day. Then, I came across Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be provided for you.”

The love, the peace, the joy, the stability; there it was. God gave me a change of heart and mind, even though I was still living in chains. He heard me. I gave my life to Christ. I’m not perfect, none of us will ever be, but I was suddenly strong enough to end that toxic relationship. I knew what kind of love I deserved. I was still using weed as a crutch because of the depression and anxiety, but suddenly, those things weren’t there anymore. I realized I didn’t need to numb anything; I just need to sit and talk with God. I’m sober now, Glory be to Him. I realize He’s the only crutch I needed.

If any of you are going through life feeling like you’re a burden, like you don’t matter, that’s not true. The devil is a lie! This world will try to keep you down, there’s evil all around us. I like to say that this world has heart problems. I realize now, so did I. The best thing I ever did was hit my knees and pray to Yahweh, the God who loves us. He’s still working on me, every day. Friends, if he heard me, after I turned my back on him and turned to the world, I promise, He’ll hear you too. You don’t have to be perfect to call out to him. He wants to fix it for you. He loves you. Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”

There is nothing, our God can’t handle! Pour your heart out to Him, He’s been waiting patiently.

Heavenly Father, the person reading this, needs you. You’re the healer above all healers, the provider above all providers and your love is unmatched compared to anything in this world. Father, in the name of Jesus, I pray over this person that they might be inclined to get to know you better. I pray they forget everything they thought they knew and start over. Lord, I pray that whoever needs to hear your voice will hear it. Make yourself known to them, so they too can receive your love and healing touch. Comfort them when life gets heavy, let them feel your warmth. Fill them with the overwhelming joy that only you can give! In the name of Jesus, Amen.